I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize