Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
