bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
