So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
