I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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