So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
