this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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