I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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