I just pynch a tree in the face
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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