i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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