I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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