Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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