I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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