I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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