you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
