Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
