I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
