Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just invented taco cereal.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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