if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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