Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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