the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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