K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
