I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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