well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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