Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
