I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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