Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
