a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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