he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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