Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
