Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
