I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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