Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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