Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
