the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
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he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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