Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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