After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize