I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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