Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
