Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
