Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
