probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
