he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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