Best friends brother. Beat that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
