What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
