Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
