Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
