I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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