I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
