She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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