South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
