I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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