I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
