He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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