apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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