Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
