Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
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I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
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We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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